Why us? Why do we deserve this?

So, back in September 2002 I had an ectopic pregnancy, which resulted in the loss of my right tube. I got pregnant on accident, not to mention Shawn and I had only been together for 3 months. I didn't realize until I lost that pregnancy how much I wanted a baby. Shawn said he did, too, so after that we did not prevent. We had the "if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't" mentality. Fast forward almost 3 years and we finally got married on July 23, 2005. We already know that we wanted to start trying as soon as we were married, so that is what we did. Now, after almost 5 years of unprotected sex, and now 18 months of actual TTC and sex timing (sounds fun, huh?) we are still not pregnant and have a new dr: an infertility specialist.

Before we got to the dr., we had to try for at least a year on our own. Boy, was that a ride! At first it was fun, taking my temp each morning to figure out when I O (O=ovulate), then BD (BD=baby dance=sex). I was worried that I didn't O, but with the website I used to chart on (fertilityfriend.com) I found out that I did, indeed, O. I was so happy, and I seriously thought it would be no time before I was pregnant. HAHAHAHAHAHA What a fucking joke. I bought Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK) and got my positives and BD on the right days and still nothing. After 4 months I was getting pissed, but decided to spend some money on a fertility monitor. I used that damn thing for a whole year and it didn't work either. I kept track if my CM, CP, temps, tried all kinds of stuff that never worked. I drank green tea and took Evening Primrose Oil to help with CM, I took soy trying to get a stronger, better O, laid on pillows after BD, laid on more or less pillows, laid with no pillows and flat on my back (all of this for 30 min. or more), tried different positions, kept peeing on sticks and getting the right signs, but nothing worked. Finally we got insurance (not that it fucking helps anyway) and got to a dr. More about that in a minute.

Through all of this I would have gone insane if not for my online friends that I met through a TTC website called fertilityfriend.com. (Dont' recommend it anymore, at least not for the message boards you have to PAY for now. Charting is good, though.) I have made lots of close friends through this site, and these girls are closer to me than my IRL friends. They know more about me and my infertility than any other person would want to know. The difference is that they are all either dealing with the same issues now, or have in the past and know exactly what I am going through. They offer the support that I need, and I give them support in return. I have learned more from these girls than I ever thought I would need to know. There isn't anything that I can't tell them, and there is nothing I don't tell them. They are more than infertility support, they are lifelong friends. Lots of us have made contact outside of FF, but I have yet to actually meet any of the girls. I have spoken with several on the phone. While I have seen many of them go on to get their BFP's and have their babies, they are still people who I trust and count on. They are people I am, and can be, happy for since I know how hard they worked to have those babies. I know they will all be great mothers. There is a little bit of jealousy, but for the most part I am happy for them. Friends like these are friends forever, friends through thick and thin. They have been where I am now, they understand, they are there for me. Without friends like the girls I have met on FF, I don't know where I would be emotionally right now. It's not easy, but when you surround yourself with people who have been or are in your shoes, life is that much easier.

Especially when you have countless friends and relatives who have gotten pregnant and had their babies (or 2nd by now) in the time you have been TTC and still waiting. I have endured more than my fair share of this. I get jealous, I won't lie. I get pissed sometimes, pissed at the pregnant person, pissed at myself, pissed at my husband, pissed at the world. It sucks. Infertility freaking sucks. Watching other people get pregnant (mostly by accident) and have their babies only reminds me of what I don't have, but what I want more than anything else in this world. It hurts. More than I can put into words. Infertility is not only a physical issue, but an emotional and mental one as well. You have so many feelings of doubt and helplesses that it can be detrimental to your goal. Like I said before, the friends I have made online, who are dealing with the same issues as me, were my saving grace. My husband does what he can, but nothing can compare to other women who understand. Another horrible thing is the comments people make to you. Especially when they ask if you have kids yet and you reply no, they want to know why. Then when you try to explain, even just a little, they brush you off with stupid comments about how you're trying to hard and how you need to relax, and maybe adopt because you know you'll get pregnant when you try to adopt. Bull shit!!!! Inferitlity is a medical condition. One that none of us ask for. While choosing to have children is a lifestyle choice, no one asks to be infertile. It's just a shitty fact of life.

If I thought it was hard before, I didn't realize how much harder it was going to get. When you are TTC on your own, you know you can go to the dr. and get meds and/or treatments to help you. You know they can run tests to determine what your problem is. But what happens when you do go to the dr and they find NO PROBLEM?!?! This is what happened with us. After our tests (won't get into all of those) they found no problem at all with either me or my husband. NO REASON at all that we weren't getting pregnant. From everything they found, we shouldn't even have the problems we are having. Guess what? We have problems, just don't know what they are. So after the countless tests and dr. visits, not to mention the blood drawn, u/s, things poked up my crotch, we finally were on treatments. That's where I am now. My first cycle on fertility drugs with treatment, and my 18th total cycle overall. This cycle we did clomid cd5-9. RE wanted to get more eggs growing on my left ovary, the side with the tube. Then last week I did IUI w/trigger. She found out my dominate follie is on my right ovary (with no tube) and doesn't think I have the best of chances right now so we got this IUI for free. I have every bit of hope that it will work. It's not impossible to O from my right side and have my left tube pick it up. It's happened before, I know a girl it happened to. Just because my dr. doesn't think it will happen this month doesn't mean I don't. I have hope. When dealing with infertility, hope is pretty much all you have left. You try anything and everything you can in hopes that this will be the cycle you finally get pregnant. When it doesn't work, you are crushed and heartbroken, but the desire and obsession for a baby keeps you going. At least, that's how it is for me. And countless women that I have met so far on this journey. I do believe it will have the end result I am waiting for. I just don't know when and I don't know how. I'm not so paitently waiting, but I do what I can. I wrap myself in my little infertility bubble. Try not to see many IRL people I know because it seems like everytime I go out I see another newly pregnant friend or a friend with their newborn baby. It hurts. I'm jealous that it's them and not me! What did I do to deserve this? The one and only time I have gotten pregnant, I lost it. That hurts as well. More than you will ever know. But I guess I do have one child, an angel up in heaven. Speaking of heaven, I really do believe that God never gives us more than we can handle. I just don't know how much more God expects me to handle. Every day is a challenge, but a challenge I take on, for my quest to have a baby is above all else, important to me. Infertility is a journey I never thought I would have to walk, nor did I ever want to. But it's what life has dealt me, and I will overcome it. I have hope and faith. Someday, some way I will overcome infertility.